I'm a loser who gets sick, fails to update his blog and forgets he even has a blog.

I had bronchitis. Took drugs. Bronchitis almost got better. I pushed it a little too far. New England ass-weather took up residence and now I'm back to having bronchitis again. Lurvely.

I'm Skyr'd!

All thanks go to the lovely Emily M. for introducing me to my new favorite treat:  skyr (pronounced skeer).  

Skyr is an Icelandic cheese that has the consistency of extremely thick yogurt (thus, it is marketed in the US as yogurt).  It's about twice as thick as Greek strained yogurt, and a little more tart. I picked some up on the way home this evening.  Some Splenda, vanilla and a tablespoon of garam masala made for a delicious dessert!

Sunday's weigh-in: 289

4 pounds down last week. I can definitely feel a lot more muscle definition

After my visit to the doctor yesterday, I lay in bed, morose, moribund and just plain miserable, all the while I was trying, with naught but will, to tear a hole in the fabric of space-time so that I could escape the confines of that particular temporal element and launch myself further down the timeline and rejoin myself post-malaise.  Unfortunately, I never received my Time-Traveling badge in Boy Scouts.

I lay there fantasizing of my dinner options.  #1 on the dream list was Subway.  I wiggled with anticipation as I envisioned myself gnawing on some chicken-y type sandwich with fresh tomatoes, onions, lettuce  and pickles and various other hallmarks of a tasty grinder.  Problemo numero uno?  It meant that I would have to leave the house, get in my car, drive a few miles and talk to a human.  Being Earth Day, I felt that it would be fairly irresponsible of me to kill Big Mama Earth just to fill my belly.

As I lay crumpled in bed, desperately pawing at my kitty (who stayed just out of reach, glaring at me with a look that said, "back off, fat boy") and trying to somehow motivate myself to get up and out, I thought about what I had in the house:  chicken, slightly overripe tomatoes, pickles, lettuce and onions.  Inspiration struck and I leap out of bed, rush into the kitchen and start preparing what is sure to become a summer staple food and one of the most fabulous meals I have ever devised:

Non-creatively Named Lettuce Wraps

5oz chicken breast

lettuce

veggies of choice

I sliced the chicken into three pieces and splashed the surface  with a vinegar smoke mixture and crusted it with pepper.

While that was grilling, I sliced up my veggies:  pickle, onion, tomato and a rogue poblano pepper that had wandered to the back of the fridge.  I layed out three large lettuce leaves as well.

I wanted a creamy flavor, so I took a teaspoon of no-fat cream cheese and spread it on the lettuce and sprinkled with zatar. 

I placed all the veggies and chicken, wrapped tightly, took a bite and was in heaven.  It was seriously delicious and a perfect topper to such a balmy day.  And at only 400 calories for 3 large wraps, I think I've found a wonderful new direction for light and satisfying dinners.

Hey..Angel of Death, over here!

(From the weekend)

From the grip of sickness, I bring you two new recipes:

Just in time for Passover, it's "Briskuits!" AKA "Broken! Meat! Biscuits!"

And, just in case the Angel of Death DOES stop for a visit, it's "Shrooms, Dude"

Briskuits!:

While this particular batch went over about as well as the Hindenburg going over New Jersey, it was conceptually beautiful if not physically. It was an experiment delving into an area of cooking that I have lots of practical experience with, but barely any creative experience because I'm not completely on my game when it comes to the physics and chemistry of baking.

Ingredients:

1/4 cup lentils

1/4 cup barley

4oz ground turkey

2tbs wheat gluten

1 egg white
1/4 cup wheat germ
1/4tsp baking powder

season to taste
Muffin pan

Cook barley and lentils until tender.
Pop barley and lentiles* in a food processor and pummel into a thick cream and season to taste.
Fold in wheat gluten, wheat germ and egg whites.

Season turkey to taste and form into small balls

Mix baking powder into what should now be a doughy paste and let rest for 20 minutes.

Grease the muffin pan and press dough bits into cups, making sure to cover the sides as well as the bottom, leaving a deep pit behind.

Press meat balls into pits

Cover with remaining dough and bake @ 425F for 20 minutes.

Remove from oven and allow to cool for 10 minutes. Remove from pan and eat cautiously. You won't be impressed. The meat is tasty, but the "biscuit" is kind of wrong. In many ways. I'm on the right track, though. I'll continue the experiments until I have reached perfection. PERFECTION!


Shrooms, Dude:

5-6 large white mushrooms
1/2 cup egg whites
2tbs breadcrumbs (I was out of chick pea flour)
basil, oregano, onion powder, touch of salt
jalapeno
red pepper
turmeric

Smash mushrooms, add breadcrumbs, add egg and seasons, turmeric jalapeno and red pepper and mix well. Spoon out onto a greased baking sheet and bake @ 425F for 20 minutes.

End result is a trippy and colorful tasty, spicy and crispy treat!

* non-Jewish lentils

Diagnosis: Respiratory Haplorrhinus...

...aka:  lungmonkeys, bronchitis, pulmonary pwnage, pure and unadulterated suckage.

Exercise is on hold for the moment, and apparently, so is eating well.  I've been desperately fighting to keep from eating today.  I haven't had dinner yet, and I've already surpassed 1200 calories.  I imagine that the metabolic rate increases when fighting infection, and that could account for the mad hunger.  I may need to devise a recipe for Punishment Stew to whip my ass back on track.

Is it ironic or just unfortunate that I've spent the day wrapped up in a comfy, warm blanket on the couch watching season 4 of the Biggest Loser, all the while stuffing my face?  A little of both, methinks.

Last night wasn't much better.  My dinner, while very tasty, was FAR from positive eating:  half a potato sliced into paper thin slices and broiled 'til crispy, half a head of cauliflower sauteed with onions and 2 4oz grilled bison burgers.  I don't think I'll be doing the bison again.  This is the first time that I've had red meat in about two months, and I didn't handle it well (read:  severe nausea).

I just want to feel better.  I want to get outside.  I desperately want to try an elliptical trainer, or at the very least, see how I handle light jogging.  Most of all, I need to start looking into getting a personal trainer.  I need a place to start heavy workouts, but I don't think I can devise a proper and safe plan on my own.  Hopefully, next week.

Failure is a passion

I was so tired last night; I've been pushing myself too hard. I just wanted something simple, something comfortable. As a friend of mine used to say, I wanted goopy food. Last night's dinner inspiration was fueled by exhaustion, pain and misery.

Here's some new recipes:

-1 Stew of Disappointment:

1/4 cup black beans
1/4 cup barley
1/4 cup lentils
1/2 head cauliflower
Lace with excessive toil and season with tears
2-3 cups of water

Boil water and add all ingredients. Simmer until dark purple mess turns into a bluish gray muck.
Serve with a dirty spoon. While eating, gaze longingly at the floor. Wince and moan softly with each bite.
------

Peppers and Misery:

2 cubanelle peppers
1/2 medium red onion
2 medium tomatoes
4 oz ground chicken

In a saute pan, saute onions until translucent.
Add finely sliced peppers, saute until soft
Dice tomatoes and add to pan. Mush everything up and cover.
Check occaisionally.
When you have a nice goopy mess, make sure that you add spices and herbs that counter any possibility of good flavor.
Add ground chicken and cook until not raw.
Mix everything together into a not-so-fantastic tasting melange.
Cover with salt to make acceptable.
Pray that each forkful will be the last.



-----

Why, God, Why? :

1 package Jello Fat Free/Sugar Free Lemon pudding
1.5 cups water
4 tbs wheat germ

Mix Jello and cold water with a whisk forever. It will never thicken.
Add wheat germ in a feeble attempt at thickening the pudding.
Fail.
Realize that you have no clean spoons and proceed to drink the mixture straight from the bowl.
With each miserable sip, contemplate the wreckage of your so called life.
When bowl is empty. lick clean in a wretched attempt at extracting some final shred of joy before bed.
Make your bed, lie in it and stare at the ceiling as your stomach churns your dreams into a thick red paste.

It's like the Eye of Sauron peering into my belly

I had some sashimi from Sarku Japan yesterday afternoon. By yesterday evening, all I had was a raw, gaping hole in my abdomen that was made when my stomach made a break for it.

Sarku? More like Sauron.

I'm not sure what I was thinking. Sashimi and nigirizushi from a fast food place? Makizushi, especially California roll type things, sure. Nice and safe. But raw tuna, octopus and salmon? This crap was stale, dry and flavorless. Even the wasabi was awful (of course it's not true wasabi, just horseradish and food coloring, but I swear they pulled this horseradish out of a dirty ass). Never again. The stuff from Market Basket was higher quality.

Seriously, fuck you Sarku Japan.

Yum meditation: visualizing the flavor

This weekend, I'll be rectifying my photographic situation by either getting my camera fixed (unlikely) or getting a new and relatively inexpensive camera (oh Canon EOS, not today, but I'll have you yet!). I want to start posting pics of my tasty food.

While I always keep presentation in mind, historically, when eating alone, I tend to glop everything onto a single plate and let things get all mixed to hell (that's why I love Bib Bim Bap so much). Committing myself to photographing the food will help me with presentation even when I'm cooking solo.

Teh caffeinated hotness

We got one of these at work yesterday.

I try not to lick it, but I fear I may fail. I've already humped it in my mind. My precious.*

Attention Cow-orkers: You did not read that. These are not the droids you are looking for. Move along.

Feets, don't fail me now!

I did some exploring of Waltham on foot this past weekend. I've lived here for nearly two years and due to laziness and general social phobia, I never walked up and down Moody St. the way I had intended when I moved in. The healthy eating is being closely followed by physical activity, which is leading to little adventures that just don't feel the same in a vehicle.

Friday evening, I had a nice long walk around Waltham center, trying routes that I had never been. I'm quite pleased that I took the route that I've been avoiding since living here: the dreaded hill. Now that I'm getting in shape, the dreaded hill is really just the little hill. No sweat.

Saturday morning started early with a walk up to Global Thrift Store. I had a gift certificate that was near expiration and needed to use it, and fast. I found little in the way of clothing (other than a gorgeous black wool peacoat (that does not fit yet, but it will) for $10. I also lucked upon a bunny head purse and a few old cds. The catch of the day was the Armstrong Elkhart flute! What a find! It just needs a good polishing and some touchups here and there.

I walked home with my sack of goodies.

Later, I was in the Moody area again (doing laundry on Crescent St.). I decided to explore a little more and found a cool gaming shop called Danger Planet Games. It was a nice browse and rekindled my interest in tabletop gaming. I may hit one of their open nights and relive the ultrageeky glory days of my youth.

Next up was JN Joke shop, which has loads of great gags and costumes. I purchased a gold tooth cover.

There were a few smaller shops that I browsed before returning to laundry.

The next day, I wanted to change things up a bit. You see, a part of my particular brand of OCD involves me not being able to repeat a certain thing too often, else it will cause significant synaptic stoppage. I can't take the same path repeatedly, nor can I drive home from work the same day everyday. If I do, I go a little nuts in my head.

I mapped out a route following Prospect St., which curves to meet the far (relatively) east end of Moody (around High St.). From there, I would trek down Moody and back home. The walk up Prospect was nice, albeit chilly. Then I hit the river. I cross it almost every day, but I never give it much though; this is the benefit of walking - you have the time to contemplate your surroundings. I noticed a path wending all along the river and realized that this is the same path that goes by the Moody St. bridge and beyond, following the river all the way to the Museum of Science! I pushed on up to Moody and back down and took the path all the way back to where I first found it. It was wonderful! Ducks and geese were happily nibbling the bits thrown to them from the local restaurants. It was so peaceful. I wanted to see where the trail picked back up after hitting Prospect (I think it goes into the Mt. Feakes cemetery), but daylight had all but burned out.

All told, it was a 3.5 mile trek that has given me some new territory to explore. This weekend, I'm thinking of exploring the path further west (maybe I'll set a 2 hour time limit..walk west for two hours and then turn for home.)

As ridiculous as it sounds, walking is fun!

Balls: it's what's for dinner

I want something simple and easy last night, especially after Sunday's grand production.
What did I have to work with? The usual suspects: ground turkey, cauliflower, spinach. But I did have something different: Bulgar wheat. So, I attempted and was amazed by my success in making kibbeh. It was SO delicious that I it was a struggle to keep from making more.

Easy Kibbeh:
4oz ground turkey
2 egg white
season to taste(I used salt, pepper, onion powder, chopped peperoncinis and a tasty blend of herbs.)

1/4 cub cracked Bulgar wheat
2tbs wheat gluten
cooking spray


Form the balls like any other meatball and set aside.

Boil water and Bulgar wheat (I used 1 cup water to 1/4 cup wheat) and simmer for 10 minutes. Drain water and let cool (or, if you have a fine enough strainer, rinse under cold water)
Add egg whites and wheat gluten and mix well until you have a fair paste.

Put a dollop of paste on your hand and flatten. Put meatball in the middle and wrap the wheat paste around it, adding more if necessary to get full coverage.

Place balls on oiled baking tray (I used Pam High Heat spray) and give each ball a quick shot of cooking spray.

Bake @450F for 20 minutes then broil on high for 3-4 minutes or until the tops are golden brown.

Makes 6 balls.

These will have a wonderful crunch on first bite. I may have to make more tonight.

The best market, ever

People have been telling me to check out Russo's Produce Market in Waltham for quite some time.  I just never got around to it, until today.

Holy crap.  It may very well be the most awesome place on earth.  I picked up poblano peppers, ugli fruit, cubanelles, a buttload of dill (for only 99 cents!) and various other tasties.  The best find was the Japanese mountain yam.  I'm going to have some fun with that.  They seem to have every Asian and Southeast Asian vegetable I've ever gone looking for (except for wax gourd, but that may be seasonal).

Dinner tonight:

Roasted poblano peppers stuffed with smoked turkey, onions and barley, cauliflower stirfry and mixed greens (a misc bag from Russo's containing everything from spinach to dandelion greens).

Dessert:  An attempt at gelatinized frozen yogurt:  fat free yogurt, Jello, fruit cocktail.

Incidentally, today's weigh-in (averaged, as it does vary over the course of the day): 293

This week's loss:  6 pounds. 

Dinner musings

While I've been enjoying a great deal of variety in my cooking, I started feeling the urge to eat more than I should be, so I decided that it was time to simplify. Last night, I went back to basics:

Falafel chicken
cauliflower stir-fried with whole cumin seed, whole fennel seed, fenugreek and pepper
Eggplant - 1/2 chickpea flour breaded, baked then broiled and 1/2 grilled on the George Foreman.
Yogurt with a touch of pomegranate molasses, almond extract and a few drops of lemon.
A granny smith apple

Easy, simple and filling.

The falafel chicken was the best I've ever made; rather than baking the chicken, I used the GF grill. Holy crap, was it tasty. So juicy and tender that I'm cheating and having the same thing tonight.

I'm also going to nix the nighttime fruit bit. I think all that sugar has been disrupting my sleep.

GOOOOOOOOOOAL!

200 pounds by my 36th birthday.
99 pounds to lose.
3.67 pounds per week.
That will put me in reach of my ideal healthy weight (147 to 183 pounds).

I haven't weighed 200 pounds since 7th grade.

Size matters

Side note:

I can now fit into clothes from early 2006.

Abundant adulation at the aromatic altar of Penzey's

Back in 2004 when Penzey's started asking for suggestions for locations for new stores, I may very well have submitted Boston a half-million times. Having been a regular catalog customer since 1998

They obvious took my spamming seriously and opened a store in Arlington, MA in 2005. I was somewhat ecstatic.

Today, I'm a regular there, spending more money than is necessarily necessary, but I keep telling myself the the boost to my quality of life is worth it.

Saturday's run netted:

Mexican vanilla pods
Cumin seed
Fennel seed
Zataar
Dill weed
Anise seed
Sweet Hungarian Paprika*
Crushed, dried jalapenos
A Russian season blend called Tsardust Memories

While Penzey's has a lot of what I'm looking for, they have far from everything. I finally made it to the Indian grocer today and picked up:

Whole coriander**
Methi seed (whole fenugreek)
Amchur powder (powdered mango)
Black sesame seed
Asafoetida, aka heeng powder (of which I am a bit afraid. It's called Devil's Dung for a reason; it smells horrible, but supposedly mellows out quite a bit when heat is applied).


* I have clear memories throughout my childhood of my mother preparing a chicken for roasting by rubbing it inside and out with paprika. I asked her why and she told me that it just makes it colorful. "Is that all? Doesn't it taste good, too?" I asked. She said that paprika didn't have any flavor of its own, and I believed this until Saturday. I've been adding paprika to everything! Warm and rich and subtle, it rounds out most things I've tried it with. WTF Mom?

** In the "I learned something new today" department, cilantro is the leaf of the coriander plant.

Reality is the only word in the language that should always be used in quotes.

I hate generally surreal nature of reality television, but I love Biggest Loser: Couples. It has been a great motivator.
This is the last week before the big finale, and they brought some fancy-shmancy chef in to teach the formery-fat-folks how to prepare their fave meals in a healthier fashion.

After the segment, I danced a creepy dance of joy through my apartment. As it turns out, many of the food choices that I "discovered" on my own are spot on. Here's a few:

Using chick pea flour as breading for pan fried stuff.
Using a VERY hot pan to reduce the amount of oil needed for cooking
Yogurt and gelatin to make a tasty ice cream workalike.

I know it's just a dumb tv show, but it's a dumb tv show about fat people becoming not fat, and I am operating in parallel. It's great to get some validation, as surreal as it may be.

I haz a flavur...IN MY MIND! II

Success! Sort of. The taste was dead on, but there was something missing from the texture.

1 cup yogurt
1/2tsp almond extract
1/2tsp coconut extract
1/4 mexican vanilla pod scraped then minced
splenda

It was missing something slightly gritty and slightly chewy. I think raisins, shredded coconut and a touch of rum will round it out.

The only real problem here is that I still can't figure out what it was that I had eaten as a kid. I can point to various things over the years that contribute, but not one single thing. It's a melange of pina coladas. marzepan, chewy toffee and something else.

While this is no life quest, I think dessert is going to be fun for the next few nights.

Speaking of dessert, I finally have my ice cream maker back in shape and I'm planning on attempting to reproduce an accidental creation from last summer. With my ice cream maker, it's fairly difficult to make low fat treats due to the temperature of the crock (the fat content and temperature are the keys to making well textured ice cream. It's a gel filled crock, so there's no adding salt to bring it down). Last year, I discovered that I could approximate the texture of ice cream and maintain the low to no fat status by adding a packet of jello to the mix.

I need some win to balance out the Wretched Jofu.

I haz a flavur...IN MY MIND!

There's been this niggling sensation lingering at the back of my mind for weeks now. It's a very gentle flavor that's poking up from the deepest recesses of my childhood memories. The taste is beige and pale yellow and flecked with a mahogany. (Have I mentioned that the synesthesia I experience is becoming more defined? Awesome!)

Tonight, an experiment shall be performed. I shall attempt to bring this decades old, deep recessed mindflavour LIFE ANEW*!


* (Without reliving the undying tragedy that is, was and ever will be Wretched Jofu)

Weight Obsession in P Minor

I just pee'd a pound.

My favorite kitchen accessory of late is my mortar and pestle. I've been pulverizing just about everything I come across: bay leaves, cumin and fennel seeds, cloves, peppercorns, tsien tsien and sanaam peppers. Now I just need to find a good way to clean it (charnushka has left a heavy black residue). I've read that you can use plain old sand. I wonder how well (fresh) kitty litter will work? I might give it a shot tonight.

I want to say that my new George Foreman grill is my second favorite, but so far I'm not terribly impressed. It handled the peppers and tomatoes well on the first night, but the tandoori chicken was WAY too dry last night. I'm thinking that I probably cooked it for too long.

Wretched Jofu

1/2 brick tofu
1 pack sugar-free jello
1 dollop misdirected creativity
Prepare according to directions:

1. Mash the tofu. Drain off excess water.
2. Prep Jello according to box, reducing water by 3/4 cup.
3. Add mashed tofu to jello mix. Stir it up and toss it in the fridge for a few hours.
4. When jello has congealed, attempt to consume.=
5. Do you taste the fail?.
6. Loudly proclaim, "god damn, this is wretched!"
7. Take a few more spoonfuls and give up.
8. Place on kitchen counter (in very dry environment) and accidentally leave overnight.
9. In the morning, notice that the wretched concoction has changed a bit, becoming very firm and dehydrated.
10. Cautiously taste.
11. Revel in the chewyness of the horror.
12. Fail again, but chewier and tasty.

Alien Meat Cones

Alien Meat Cones:

3-4oz ground * (in this case, * is turkey. Last week it was chicken)
1/4 cup barley
4tbs wheat gluten
Portobello mushroom caps, stems trimmed to half mast

season to taste (Last night: 1 stewed tomato, 1tbs Korean soy sauce, coarse ground black pepper, 2 bay leaves, pulverized, 1tbs garlic powder, 1tbs onion powder, a touch of coriander, 1tbs balsamic vinegar)

Cook barley. When done, cool with cold water and drain

Mush barley with *. Add spices and liquids and mush. Add wheat gluten last and blend well.

Take barley mixture and pack onto mushroom cap into the shape of a cone. Pop in steamer (I'll try baking them next week).

Eat.

Prepare without mushrooms and shape mixture into little elephants and you have Babarleyballs.

As prepared above: ~600 calories (makes 2 cones and 2 balls..I had it with Baingan Bhartha (100 calories) and was very full.

----

I'm seriously starting to lose it

I bought a scale on the way home last night. Over the years, I've eschewed the thought of using a scale to measure my progress in losing weight (brilliant, eh?). I had fears of obsessive disappointment; daily weighing showing bare progress and fears of that demotivating me. At the level that I am tracking my caloric intake, I decided that a scale would give me a more accurate picture of where I am rather than going by "this part feels less squishy!"

My pre-adderall days of 5 years ago saw me pushing just under 350 pounds, 3x shirts and a 56 inch waist. In the period that followed, I had lost roughly 80 pounds, smoothed down to size XL shirts and slinked into 40" pants. The post adderall climb crushed me; a 20 pound weight gain over a period of a year. Nothing fit, both clothingwise and emotionwise.

A year ago, I quit smoking and gained another 10-15 pounds and 2 more inches on my waist.

My last doctor visit in November of aught-seven had me in at 318. My 48" waist was pushing beyond the limits of my belt rather painfully. The XLs were traded in for XXLs. From December through February, I became an eating machine. Judging by the the upward scaling of clothing size, I estimate that I had put on another 10 pounds. I couldn't fit into my pants, shirt or underwear anymore. I picked up some 50" pants (waist was tight, but wearable) and some XXL sized underwear. I had crossed the threshhold, and was officially a disgusting pig again.

I weighed myself this morning. I estimate that, at the point I started all of this, I weighed about 330 pounds. While a net loss of 20lbs over that last five years, it was still a 60 pound gain from the completely lifechanging weight loss. While I have been noticing physical differences since changing my eating and exercising, I had low expectations of the scale.

I stepped on, closed my eyes and waited for the beep. I look down.

303.6

No fucking way. I reset and try again.

303.6.

I get undressed and try again.

299.2.

I've lost 30 pounds in the last month. Without medication. Without any support. Just me and only me. Absofuckinglutely incredible.

I'm still motivated. I'm going to do this, I'm actually going to do this.

Needless to say, I'm feel pretty damned extraordinary!

Every day gets a bit easier. This is different (it's always different, each iteration).

Not too busy for tasty

I haven't had much opportunity to update over the last two weeks. I don't have much time right now, but last night's dinner is worth mentioning:

Chicken Tandoori, Bhangan Bhartha, a lentil/barley casserole and jello with yogurt.

Not bad for 900 calories.

I made everything from scratch. I don't puff me ego up too much, but, damn, I'm good. I can't see myself buying Indian food again; my reproduction of the tandoori was flawless! The Bhaingan Bhartha, delectable! The lentil/barley casserole was meant to be boring filler carbs, but it was delicious! And it was all so easy to make (prep time + cooking was about 30 minutes. Tandoori marinated for 4 hours). I'm having leftovers tonight (yeah..me..leftovers..whoulda thunk it?)


After some fears of a loss of motivation, I've been reinvigorated by actually noticing improvement to the corpus pinguitudo: I've apprently dropped about 6 inches from my waist. Not bad considering that I started this just one month ago.

More later. I need to compile recipes for my creations from the last two weeks. Stay tuned for Wretched Jofu, BabarLeyBalls and Alien Meat Cones!